The Art of Pumpkin Carving
by FieryBrunette
Summary: James wants Lily to teach him how to carve a pumpkin muggle style. Unfortunately, madness begins to ensue when Sirius shows up and James battles the many stages of pumpkin carving. Dialogue one-shot. HAPPY HALLOWEEN! R&R?


**Author's Note: So, here's a new writing style I'm trying out. Dialogue one-shot, so its supposed to be read sort of like a movie or play script. Actions are in parenthesis and L stands for Lily, J for James and S for Sirius. Two letters next two each other mean they're saying the same thing. I'd really appreciate it if you'd review! Happy Halloween!**

* * *

L: Ready?

J: Ready.

L: Alright then. Let's begin. The first step of pumpkin carving is picking a good pumpkin. Are you with me so far?

J: ....

L: JAMES!!!

J: I'm listening! I swear I am! But I'm writing it down too!

L: Why the hell would you write this down?

J: So when our kids grow up THEY'LL be able to carve the perfect pumpkin, too.

L: ....

J: What?

L: Our children?

J: Of course. You don't think I'd marry you and not have at least a few hundred children?

L: James, we just graduated from Hogwarts; are children really what we want to be thinking about right now? Let alone a few hundred?

J: I mean in the future, Lils. And yes, a think a few hundred will be just the right amount, don't you?

L: Well, for now, lets stop focusing on the subject of procreating and work on the matter of winning over my parents. That's quite a big obstacle to overcome.

J: Oh, don't worry about them. Your mum practically wet herself with happiness when I came over this morning and told her I'd come to spend the day with you. Your dad however...

L: Just needs a little time, trust me. If I couldn't keep hating you, he definitely can't. Now, what were we talking about?

J: Our children?

L: No, before that.

J: How incredibly good looking I am?

L: While I can't disagree with that, we were talking about pumpkins, I believe.

J: No, we were talking about how good looking I am.

L: Were not.

J: Were too.

L: Were not!

J: Were not!

L: Were too!

J: Oh, so you do admit it!

L: .....

J: OW! Watch where you swing that hand, woman!

L: You're lucky I like you enough to not use my knee in a considerably lower area of your body.

J: Oh, so its love after all.

L: (raises an eyebrow)

J: (smiles cheekily)

L: Right. Pumpkin picking is a very sacred art, Jameson.

J: Er, Jameson?

L: My mum went and bought us each a pumpkin, both sitting before you right now.

J: Who is Jameson?

L: Since they look exactly the same, why don't I take the one on the right and you take the one on the left.

J: WAIT!!!!

L: What?

J: I wanna pick my own pumpkin.

L: James...the pumpkins look exactly the same.

J: Yeah, so?

L: So it doesn't really matter who gets what seeing as they'll both look the same.

J: That's what you think.

L: Fine, pick your own pumpkin.

J: .....

L: .....

J: .....

L: .....

J: .....

L: James?

J: Mmmm?

L: Are you done yet?

J: Well, we seem to have rift in this pumpkin choosing.

L: A what in the what?

J: You see, this pumpkin does not have my preferred circumference, but this pumpkin isn't the right shade of clown fish orange.

L: Excuse me, but what in the name of Merlin's knickers are you talking about? Circumference? Clown fish orange?

J: Yes.

L: You're insane. I'm dating a St. Mungo's escapee.

J: That fact must be an indicator of your own madness, Lils, seeing as you agreed to date me in the first place.

L: .......I hate you.

J: Leave me be, woman. I want to pick my pumpkin.

L: Fine, you have five minutes to do this, or I'm going to hex you until you pick one. And don't think I--

CRACK

S: HELLO EVANS FAMILY!!!!

L: Arg!!! Sirius Black!!!! I told you not to apparate into this house!!! You nearly gave mum a heart attack last time!

S: Why hello there, Lilian! How absolutely spiffing to--OW! Quit it with the violence, you fiery little vixen!!!

L: Sirius, leave and no will harm will come of you.

J: Can't he stay Lily?

L: NO.

S: But I can help with this extraordinary bit of......what the hell is James doing?

L: At the moment, I believe he's smelling each pumpkin so he can decide which one he wants to carve.

S: I suppose it was you that initiated this madness, Lily?

L: He's the one who wanted to carve his own pumpkin without magic in the first place.

S: I think that if we hit him with a few stunners in the back he'll be alright later on. We can always tie him up just for his own safety.

L: While that sounds like a quite excellent idea, I prefer my boyfriend conscious if you don't mind.

S: Fine by me, but keep the lovey dovey crap to yourselves.

L: Hey James, wanna snog?

J: Nope.

S: (maniacal laughter)

L: What did you just say?

J: Lily, you know that once I start kissing you I can't very well stop. I need full concentration on the project at hand.

L: So let me get this straight, you refuse to kiss me until this pumpkin is carved and lit in the front yard?

J: Yes.

L: ......

J: Don't give me that look, Lily. You know your glares don't work anymore. Or, at least, not as well as they used to.

L: How about my fists? Would that have a better impact on you?

S: Let the bloke just pick his bloody pumpkin, Evans.

L: Stay out of this.

S: Make me.

L: Sirius, I'm warning you...

S: And I'm warning you.

L: Go away. Can't you just go curl up and die?

S: C'mon, Evans, you know you'd miss me too much.

L: Au contraire, I'd actually be quite pleased. I might even throw a party celebrating the fact that you a--

J: DONE!!!!

S: Eh? What'd you say Prongs? I couldn't hear you, some idiot next door was screaming his lungs out about finding a pumpkin.

J: Onto the next step, Lily Flower, as we continue our journey towards the ideal jack-o-lantern.

S: Speaking of that, where did the name Jack-o-lantern even come from?

L: It doesn't matter, lets head out to the backyard.

J: That's a good question, Padfoot.

L: Moving on....

S: I mean, why couldn't they call it the Sirius-o-lantern, or the James-o-lantern?

L: That's just the way it is! Why is the sky blue?

S: Because space is black!

L: .....

J: You know, that actually makes sense.

L: James shut up and get outside. Sirius, either you come with or leave. I'm not leaving you in the house alone.

J: But I w-

L: NOW.

S&J: Yes ma'am.

* * *

L: The next step to the perfect pumpkin is opening your pumpkin and scooping the insides out. Notice that these pumpkins are--

J: Wait just a minute, let me write that down on the list.

L: Ugh. Are you serious?

S: No, I'M Sirius.

L: Don't start.

J: Okay, so what do we do?

L: Take this carving knife, cut out a lid, and proceed to scoop out the guts.

J: Like this?

L: Yeah, just continue cutting until you've got a full circle, then grab the stem and pull the lid off.

J: You know, this isn't that hard once you get around to it. I-- EW!!!!

L: What?

J: What is this stuff?

L: That's the guts of the pumpkin, I suppose.

J: And I have to do what with this?

L: Scrape it out, obviously.

S: This should be interesting.

J: I think I'm going to be sick.

L: Really? I should go get the camera, then.

J: LILY!

L: Okay, I won't. James, look, you just reach in, use the scraping tool to get the guts off the sides, and then scoop it into these bins.

J: .....

L: Are you sure you'll make it out alive?

J: I- I think so.

S: Do you need me to hold your hand, mate?

J: Shut up.

L: May I offer a good luck kiss?

J: No kisses till this pumpkin is carved.

L: (muttering darkly)

J: So, am I clear to go in?

L: Clear.

J: Ugh! This is so gross.

L: James, I have to do it too. Its not that bad.

J: I can start now?

L: Didn't I just say that?

J: Yeah......

L: .......

J: .......

S: (chuckling)

L: For Merlin's Sake, James, just scoop the guts out!

J: ......

L: JAMES!!!!!!

J: Alright, I'm doing it!

L: Finally.

S: You know what?

L&J: What?

S: Watching you two react together is better than watching muggle television. I can't wait to see what your kids are going to be like.

L: And I can't wait for the day that restraining order finally goes through and you can no longer talk to me. Or show up at my house.

S: You're hilarious.

L: All part of the Evans charm, I suppose.

J: Lily, now what do I do with this?

L: Just toss it in the trash can. Keep scraping until you've gotten rid of all of it.

J: It's just...eewwwww.....it's so gross!

S: Why Lily, why didn't you tell me you were dating a girl! That changes everything!

J: (glaring)

L&S: (insane laughter)

WALLOP

L: Agh!!! I...Oh Merlin, James Potter you are so dead!

J: What did I do?

S: Mate, you just flung pumpkin guts at your mentally unstable girlfriend. Not wise.

J: Yeah, and you're next.

S: Wha--?

THWUMP

S: Ugh, nasty!

J: (snickering)

L: Oh, James?

J: Yes, Lils?

SPLAT

L: You know, I almost prefer covering you in pumpkin guts to kissing you. Its an excellent way to get rid of anger.

J: You just wait, Lily. When I get more ammunition, you'll be sorry.

L: Bring it on, girly girl!

L&J: (scraping furiously at their pumpkins)

S: Um, guys? What am I supposed to do? I don't have ammunition.

L: Take cover, cause I'm coming after you too.

S: Shit, what'd I do?!

L: This, Sirius, is for apparating into my house unannounced. And James, this is for throwing the insides of a squash at your girlfriend.

S: Look, Evans, we're sorry, it's just--

WALLOP

* * *

L: Well, now that we got that out of our system...

S: You mean you. James and I didn't even stand a chance, Lils. We were pummeled and unable to pummel back.

L: Don't be a baby, Sirius. Just accept that I have amazing aim and quite a throw, and move on.

J: He is right though. That was practically abuse. And now we're covered in sticky pumpkin guts.

L: Well, if it helps, you don't look any worse. I'd still want to snog you.

J: Really?

L: Sure. After you thoroughly wash your face.

S: Can we move on and finish with this idiocy?

L: Yes. We have to now draw a face on our pumpkin and then carve the eyes, teeth, and nose out. You want to do something simple, so stick with easy to cut out shapes. Like mine, see?

J: Aha! (begins scribbling furiously on pumpkin)

L: What're you drawing?

J: Wouldn't you like to know! Be patient, artwork cannot be sped up.

L: (rolling eyes)

S: You know, you did this to yourself. You could have said no when he asked you out to Hogsmeade for the...what....nine hundred and fifty seventh time? But you didn't. You just had to say yes. So your misery is your own fault.

L: I think I missed some of your face when I threw the pumpkin guts...c'mere, you, I gotta make sure I did a thorough job.

S: NOOOOOOO!

L: Then shut up, and let James work.

S: .........Where are your parents?

L: Currently, they're getting decorations for our party tonight.

S: You're throwing a party? Why was I not invited?

L: Because I knew you'd want to go. And the point of not inviting you to a party is so you don't go.

S: Ouch Evans. After all I've done for you?

L: Like what, exactly?

S: Well...erm...there was that thing...when...

J: I'm done!

L: Alright then, let's see what face you've drawn and carved. I--.....James, what the hell is that?

S: It sort of looks like Ms. Norris. Turned sideways. Oh, and covered in Bubotuber Pus.

J: What are you talking about? It's not Ms. Norris, its Lily! See? There's the nose, and the eyes, and the mouth....

L: My nose isn't that big!

S: Um, I beg to differ, Evans. I'm surprised you can see with that big conk.

J: Shut up, Sirius. Lily, you don't need to cover your nose, its fine.

L: You're sure?

J: Yes. Sirius was just being a prat.

L: .......

S: OW! I told you to quit hitting me!

J: Okay then. I'm going to finish carving out Lily's face and you can finish getting the crap beaten out of you, mate.

S: You make it sound like its a good thing.

L: Oh, it is. For me, at least.

S: James, if you don't protect me from her wrath, we are no longer friends.

J: .......

S: James....

L: James, dear, carve your pumpkin already. As long as Sirius keeps his mouth shut I won't bother him.

J: Just do as she says, mate. Its easier.

S: You're lucky I'm nice, Evans.

L: And you're lucky my boyfriend is your best mate.

* * *

L: And now we've reached the final step in our pumpkin carving process. We've picked our pumpkins, we've gutted them and carved their faces. Now, we must light them.

S: Please tell me we get to use magic for this. Evans, you know how James cannot be trusted with flammable things, right?

J: There was one incident in second year, Padfoot. One incident with a small match. I mean, c'mon, they fixed the dorm. And no one was hurt right?

L: James, you burnt your whole dorm down. Without magic. That could hardly be called an incident as opposed to a catastrophe.

J: (grumbling)

L: So, we've got our candles placed and the first thing we do is light them with these matches and then stick them inside the pumpkins, okay?

S: Tell me this, what is exactly the point of teaching James how to carve a pumpkin muggle style?

L: It's all about the experience, Sirius. James may remember this day for the rest of his life, you know.

S: Psh. I doubt that. You know how short term memory he can be.

L: Yeah, when it comes to the stupid meaningless things like pranks. But this is an experience he'll cherish forever, so no need to be pessimistic. Besides, I...OH MY GOD, JAMES WHAT DID YOU DO?!

J: I'm sorry! I just wanted to light the candle myself, and you weren't listening and the matches were right there........ And I lit one.

L: BEFORE LIGHTING MY ENTIRE FRONT LAWN ON FIRE?

S: I guess he was taking the whole Halloween theme to the next level?

L: (takes out wand) I swear, James Potter, only you could turn a task so simple as lighting a tiny candle into a huge fiasco.

J: But you still love me anyways?

L: If you live long enough. That lawn was my Dad's pride and joy. You're going to get mauled once they get home.

S: Well, mate, it was nice knowing you.

J: Shut up, prat.

* * *

S: Hours later, all is well. look like another crisis has been avoided, no?

J: Um...didn't Lily strictly tell you not to show up to this party?

S: I'm hiding. Don't tell.

L: Sirius, I really wish you'd quit thinking that I'm half-blind won't see you when you hide behind the ficus tree.

S: Sorry love, I just can't stay away. You know I love parties. Especially when hot cousins of the hostess are there.

L: Ugh. That's my sister, you dolt. And don't even try, she's married and has quite the stick up her arse.

S: What about that one?

J: Her mother.

L: (growls)

S: Alright, alright, I'll go. I can take a hint. James, I glad you didn't burn the house down and were able to fix the lawn. Lily, I hope I won't come back tomorrow to find James' corpse on the front step of your door.

L: Don't worry, you won't be coming back tomorrow. Besides, I happen to know how to dispose properly of a body, thank you very much.

J: See ya, mate.

L: Oh, and Sirius?

S: Yeah?

WALLOP

L: Make sure you walk at least a block down before apparating out. And you might want into look at a mirror, you've got a little something on your face. Looks like pumpkin...hm.

J: (roars with laughter)

S: (walks away haughtily)

J: So, am I forgiven?

L: For burning my front lawn, throwing pumpkin guts at me, making your pumpkin's face modeled after me with a huge nose and driving me all but insane these last few hours?

J: Erm....yes.

L: I suppose so.

J: Good to know.

L: Now, please tell me I'm allowed to kiss you since this madness is over.

J: The pleasure is all mine.

L&J: (kissing)

L: But just so you know, we will never ever do something like this with you again. Doing stuff by magic is just fine, especially if it keeps everything from combusting.

J: Oh....but...

L: What?

J: It's just...you know, I've never decorated a Christmas tree without magic either.

L: ........

J: ........

L: You're serious?

J: Yes. I am. That way we can write a list just like this one, only titled 'The Art of Christmas Tree Decorating'. Sounds fun, right?

L: Oh Merlin....

* * *

**A/N: I hoped you liked the one-shot! I'll have some more L/J one-shots within the next month or so. See my profile for info. on updates and other stuff about my stories! REVIEW!**


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